dhaar

 I think i read something like this somewhere. Never really understood it fully. How can nothing become everything? There must be some mistake. It's illogical. Therefore must be incorrect. Right? Don't know. Not all illogical things are incorrect. Or maybe they are. They are just not untrue i guess. That's it. I guess a lot.:P A certain amount of calculated guessing is required maybe. But i seem to take that to the next level. Maybe sometimes i forget that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!! Again heard somewhere. No one really writes anything original i suppose. Heard somewhere, saw something, read something somewhere and got inspired (or sometimes not inspired bt wrote anyway :P ). Is getting what i want is so important that it rips me apart while i can't get my hands on it? I used to believe in destiny. I still believe a bit i guess (:P ) but doing that requires a certain amount of faith. Faith in me. and Faith in something more than me. Now that seems like giving control to someone else. Something else. I don't know. I m not sure. I never am. Another trait. So well, that losing of control doesn't really go well with me. Sometimes i wonder. Ya well there are many things i wonder about. But sometimes i wonder what's actually wrong with me? Coz when something doesn't go right, i think i did something wrong. And believe me it is like that almost every time. If you got some screwed up situation. Look around. I must be lurking there. Either around or most probably in the center of the tornado. Ripping everything apart. Pulling out trees from the roots, flying roof tops.. U see them and i must be there. Maybe i exaggerate a little. But it sure feels like a twister inside everyday. (Every night) But tomorrow is a new day. It always is. New ways to destruct. It's not like that always. Some days are just worst than the others. Some situations are just best left alone. Time heals all wounds.!!? Maybe. Look at me. I sound like a boring lecturer. hehe..The last thing .. no not even the last thing. I never wanna become a boring lecturer. I hope "interesting lecture" doesn't become and oxymoron in near future. Well anyway i dnt wanna give lecture on lecture. Even i started to get bored just by repeating that word a few time here. Let's drop it in the drain. For good. 

I am not feeling like going to college tomorrow. And tomorrow ke upar ek tomorrow. Nd the tomorrow after that and so on. Till my exam comes. Suddenly MCA's taking too long to finish and i m bored. Like anything. And my college is just too damn far. And i feel like i m just wasting away anyway. So what for? Rusting my mind and hurting my heart. Why the hell should i go through all this? Why am i going through it? Why did i choose this? Did i really choose it? Nope. I think it just happened. One can't really have any control over it. It just happened. And now it's getting out of control bit by bit. And as it's universally known now.. i hate being out of control. So i m confused. hehe. As always. Confusion rules my life. Crappy thing to do, brings nothing else to my life. No new things. Bt still that's how i feel most days. all the time. Maybe the secret is to just shut out everything else and focus on the present moment. But what's not so secret is that, no one knows how to do that. Besty just messaged me. Cry as much as you want. Just remember after you stop crying, don't cry for the same reason again. How the hell m i supposed to do that now? I can't. I have tried. But i just can't. It's just that some things just are so strong, you just can't ignore them. In whatever form they come. You have to accept them. Embrace them. Even if it feels like embracing fire. Even if it feels like drowning. Even if it feels like suffocating. Even if it feels like your insides will evaporate any time. Like it pains so much that you probably desire something else than living at all. But all you do is cry. Cry like a baby. And you vow you'll never cry again. But as a new day comes. Brings new reasons to cry. Cheers to a new day. 

 Hmm.. Well it's been a long time since i wrote. Actually i forgot my password for lj. :P The situation isn't resolved yet.. But let's see what happens. :) Also i did not feel like writing up anything for a long time. Well .. here i am. back in the game. My updates..a lot.. but not all of them can be said out loud here.. if you know what i mean.. some things are better concealed.. the best kept secrets are kept like that for some reason..well anyway.. the things that i CAN talk about are my college life and my social life.. both pretty boring as of now. Since i hardly understand what's going on in all the lectures i compensate that flaw by mocking the limited knowledge of my proffs ( which is limited sometimes :P ).. see i did it again.. bt that's me i can't change that... so college isn't doing much on the learning part.. that i m not paying attention as much as i should. Let's just say i am not that much intrigued by the digital world that much now. The shock is wearing off now. I loved computers.. I like them now. :P The love has gone out from our sweet relationship.. what happened? what went wrong? where did the eternal flame of love go? was it me? or was it him? I dont know..oh god.. relationships can be so complex and confusing... I hope we remain good friends at least.. :P Cutting the melodrama.. i really need to do something to bring back the love.. 

As for my social life.. it was not much before.. it's not much now.. I have got a few "anmol" frnds in the past year..(a couple of them even before that era). So this front is quite cool actually. I am more than satisfied. Just a few hiccups here and there.. time and again.. but then, who doesn't have them? Well it's all taken care of, at least for now.. But, i m getting very bored of managing my accounts in all the social networking sites. They were becoming more of liabilities than fun. So i deleted them. Going on only FB now. Let's see how that goes. 

Sometimes life takes such a quick and big turn that you are taken aback.. rocked to the bone.. shell shocked.. before you gather your bearings and try to see things and what happened.. whaam..!! another blow ... straight through your.. well you know the feeling. So maybe that's what i m feeling now. Actually that's why i m not feeling anything maybe. I have gone cold. I see things. But feel like i m blind. i touch things. bt i feel like my hand is passing straight through.. i hear but i dnt remember dnt interpret, i get up in the morning but i dnt wake up!! Whole day passes like i m walking in my sleep.. seeing things on everyone else's perspective.. as if i m a part of their story. I lost my own story in all the mess. I couldn't hold on to my own life thread and let it get lost in the maze. Now i can't find it again. I lost my heart. I lost my brain. What's left? Maybe i should get lost too.. For some time at least.. Find myself again.. Get reborn.. like a phoenix. Or maybe i m just over reacting. I don't know. It seems i never know. Now, isn't that something? Forever ignorant. Forever lost. A friend of mine once said to me Ignorance is bliss. But at least he knew enough to know that. Maybe i m listening to everyone a lot. Way more than i should. It wasn't all bad. I listened before too. But did as i pleased. Now i m just becoming like.. someone i 'm not..doing things i'd rather not..hiding things i'd rather reveal, keeping mum when i should shout and smiling when i should not. I have become a drama queen. A fucking people pleaser. I used to be happy. I know what it feels like to be happy. Euphoric!! And i m not happy. At the end of the day i sleep agitated.. unrested...displeased...discontent...sad.. And it's not supposed to be like that.. Maybe I'm exaggerating my symptoms a bit.(as i always tend to do) .. well that's how it is.. at least right now..

My seminar is also giving me headaches and nightmares..I hope to finish it..
Didn't want to restart wid such a messed up post.. but hell.. that's what i want to write. At least somewhere i should be able to do as i want. 

I wake up in the morning
And I raise my weary head
I've got an old coat for a pillow
And the earth was last night's bed
I don't know where I'm going
Only God knows where I've been
I'm a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind, yeah

When you're brought into this world
They say you're born in sin
Well at least they gave me something
I didn't have to steal or have to win
Well, they tell me that I'm wanted
Yeah, I'm a wanted man
I'm a colt through your stable
I'm what Cain was to Abel
Mister catch me if you can

I'm going down (down) in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I'm going out (out) in a blaze of glory
And Lord, I never drew first but I drew first blood
I'm no one's son, call me young gun

You ask about my conscience
And I offer you my soul
You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man
Well I ask if I'll grow old
You ask me if I've known love
And what it's like to sing songs in the rain
Well I've seen love come, I've seen it shot down
I've seen it die in vain

Shot down (down) in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
'Cause I'm going down (down) in a blaze of glory
Lord, I never drew first but I drew first blood
I'm the devil's son, call me young gun, na... yeah

Each night I go to bed
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
No I ain't looking for forgiveness
But before I'm six foot deep
Lord, I gotta ask a favor
And I hope you'll understand
'Cause I've lived life to the fullest
Let this boy's die like a man
Staring down a bullet
Let me make my final stand

Shot down (down) in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I'm going out (out) in a blaze of glory
Lord, I never drew first but I drew first blood
I'm no one's son, call me young gun
I'm a young gun, yeah
Young gun, yeah..., Young gun

 Seriously..! With every passing day i feel i m losing it.. my heart.. my mind.. my will to go on.. Everything...As if it's all useless. No matter what i think, what i do, what i want to do, nothing seems to be enough. Nothing seems to suffice. More more more.. How much? How long? I'm tired now.  It's like, i know it's all gonna end sooner or later.. so what for?? :( 

How could I ever know
I would find myself alone
Facing your daemons as well as mine
Wishing for the past that words cannot find.

But somewhere in the night
The music in my mind comes alive
I hear love's haunting lullaby.
And it sings of a time we once knew
A time when all I could breathe was you
But seasons never remain the perfect shade
Our love's not the same so we must
Change...change...change
How could I ever know
That with time you would go
Leaving me to find what
Was missing in between our lives

But somewhere in the night
The music in my mind comes alive
I hear love's haunting lullaby
And it sings of a time we once knew
A time when all I could breathe was you
But seasons never remain the perfect shade
Our love's not the same so we must
Change...

Once we had summer in the fall
Now my heart knows what it's like
To lose it all...

Nice song. Ha ha .. actually very nice song. When i was writing the title this song came into my mind.. so i just wrote it down. Today's post isn't gonna be that much organized that can me seen from that. Now i m thinking to write something that'd justify my title. lol.. strange approach to write a post. Well what the hell.. I m writing at least. For a long time now I wasn't. Not enough words to pen my thoughts. Not enough will to connect to internet. Whatever but in short no post from me. Which would seem great as even right now I m not writing anything worth reading. I can fairly say that there's a lot of things going on in my mind. Also it could be said that there aren't. I've heard and read that contradictions do not exist. So one of them ought to be wrong. Hmm. . maybe there are a lot of things but not channelize. Running wild. There was this line in a movie that i loved. Just simply loved. Don't remember it fully though. But it goes something like.. - "I want to be free of this emotional chain reaction that seems to have started off like a series of firecrackers in my mind since the day i was born"..- I don't want to lose those emotions. Just if i could at least understand them.. distinguish them.. control them sometimes.. anything.. at least something.. I don't expect anyone else to understand me, but at least once in a while it'd be just nice to understand my own thoughts u know. My heart wants what it wants.. doesn't listen to my crazy reasons. I want to be a rational person. Someone who is driven by reasons. Sees reasons. Believes in reasons. And nothing else. But try as i might i couldn't be that kind of person. I sometimes believe the unreasonable. The most idiotic or irrational things. And I FEEL them to be right. Without reasons. It's good .. bad. .i don't know. Don't really care. It's just something that IS. To be accepted . It's strange how my train of thought works. It's vacation and i 'm dead bored. Haven't met my besty for a couple of days. I'll go to her tomorrow. ASAP. AS is nearing the finish line after a long run. Which i never hoped it would but somehow i've achieved that feat. ha ha. There's another very beautiful thing going on in my life. But it's very personal. But that's the thing that makes me endure this crazy hot days of summer. It's a like drinking chilled bear on a hot night. Hope it lasts. Life crazy as hell. What other way there is to live huh.. :D Adios..

I woke up in the morning and i was sad,
I wanted to be happy,
but i just couldnt forget my pain,
I felt lost,
how can my heart suffer a lot?

I think of the sea and my hearts leaps,
The sound of the waves crashing on the shore fill my ears,
The salty wind, sand running away from my feet, I'm already there...
The storm of suffering passes and i feel fine,
How do waves do that?

i think of a morning sky and my heart leaps
staring the sun in his eyes would make my day,
the soft rays playing hide and seek with my shadow,
The burning pain is gone and i feel fine,
How does the sun do that?

I think of the woods and my heart leaps
I can smell the leaves, the humming of the bees, the rustling of the twigs,
Trailing through the trees i can see the hint of a sky
I see hope in the sadness of my eyes and i feel fine,
how does a forest do that?

I think of a mountain and my heart leaps,
Legs burning, body exausted,chest heaving,
my face sweaty and glowing,
From above I see the world and i feel fine,
How do mountains do that?

I think of you and my heart leaps,
my guiding star, my listening ear,
a shoulder to rest on, in my darkest fear,
I see you and I feel fine,
how do you do that?

 People are quite hard to understand sometimes. Why do i even try  when i know it's so pointless. I guess i just don't get it. Not just yet. Just when you think you know someone, suddenly everything changes and I am left unguarded, unsafe, angry and irritated. Maybe the problem is with me. I should not get involved too fast with anyone. If you become just a good friend, people think they own you. Sometimes i feel so surrounded that i want to go underground. Disappear for a few days where no living soul can reach me. Where i can be with just me and clear my mind and the world can go to hell for all i care.

 Love !!!. L.O.V.E. Love.... :-) What the hell people nowadays think it is huh??! I mean, personally I am not an expert myself never having the divine experience but from what i see around me, man, i'm shocked. Friends having infatuation/crush misunderstand it with love. I mean one time they are "madly" in love and a little bit of adverse situation or a small rift , puts lifetime of bitterness towards their romantic interest. I don't know what love is, but it surely isn't this. It should be more deep. A feeling once felt can not be replaced by any other. A never stopping longing for a special someone who doesn't take all your problems go away, but makes them bearable. Whose arms feel like the most comfortable thing you've ever put on, just like heaven ;-) You fight with them, but still can't wait to mend things again. It's not really easy to describe in mere words. But i don't have to, everyone who has truly felt know already. :-) Then there are heart breaks.... No other feeling like that either. unfortunately. Only those know who had their hears broken. If it's crush or love heartbreak is the cruelest thing ever happened to anyone. What about people who never feel any of this? Not love nor heart break? Still waiting for the first of everything? Sad because there's no one to feel good or bad about. Well to those i say only one thing.. al intezaro khairul ibadah.... Waiting is the best prayer..     :-) Don't feel bad. Be happy to be alive, and keep waiting.....lol, something good is only round the corner...

There are no subjects anyway when it come to being sad, specially when you don't really know the reason behind your sadness. Just like there some golden days when I am happy without any reason, there are unquestionably other days like this one too when i m sad without reason. Like two sides of a coin. They must exist. Or rather, they do. I can't do anything about it. Just accept it. That doesn't mean the accepting part becomes easy though. I don't really understand why it should be hard too. I mean if somethings are to be accepted then so be it. Forget it and get on with your life. But no. I seem to enjoy suffering. I prolong it by pondering over useless questions and their even more useless answers. I may become repetitive too, it kinda comes with the sad part, a combined package. Sadly though in unhappy times mind becomes horribly unimaginative. How do you find imagination in colourless sky anyway. Suddenly black and white is more appealing to the eyes and solitary confinement more tempting to the heart. The question still remains, why? Well  whys don't matter anyway. Reasons matter to the mind. How to tackle the old ticker? The old bugger's just so damn complex to understand sometimes. But I do try so many time despite the numerous encounters with even more complex and better-be-left-alone kinda feelings. Well that's me then. Just can't let something go if mind sets on it. And then the oldest battle on earth. Between the mind and the heart. Those two damn things get so caught up in arguing with each other that they forget what happens to me. Should i do this or that? Wear this or that? Listen to people or not? Say this or not? Should have did something or not? Never agree both of them. Maybe they never do. I am not sure. Well here comes another thing. The thing that I am never sure about anything. Why AM I so sad? Just like my poem, it seems that this night brings no dawn. Suddenly I've seem to have lost all the perspective. Nothing seems real.Not even surreal. Just useless, wasted, dirty, boring, crazy, overrated. To waster one's life is bad, but to waste it and know that you are wasting it and still keep doing it .... that's.... I don't have a word for that.. What is it called?. I wouldn't be writing this if I knew. Anyway. Shit happens. Just shake the mud and take a step up. Life's too short to waste even thinking about whether you wasted it or not. Or as M says, I am sad because my digestive system has gone wayward. LOL. It is an interesting though though. Right or wrong I don't know. But it's different. Different is good. To hell with the world. I'll apply the don't care condition here. Although i have no idea how to apply in LOC but it seems appropriate here. Education it seems, has really ruined me. I talk to myself. Mad some would say. Educated I'd say. LOL. Good night??? Nahh! I'll have nightmares for change.  !!!